Mourning Isn't Just About Death
No one talks about how much mourning life actually consists of.
We tend to think of grief as something that happens at funerals.
Or after a breakup.
Or after losing a job.
But I've been thinking...
I don't think that's true.
I think mourning is happening all the time.
In fact, I think one of life's greatest psychological tasks is learning how to mourn.
And here's why.
I think mourning begins the moment your fantasy meets your reality.
Fantasy Is Beautiful.
Fantasy isn't bad.
It's actually necessary.
It's where hope lives.
It's where dreams live.
It's where goals are born.
Fantasy is the ideal.
It's exactly what you want...
Exactly how you want it...
Exactly when you want it.
Fantasy is also full of shoulds.
This relationship should work.
They should understand me.
My career should feel different.
Life should be easier by now.
Fantasy isn't reality.
It's possibility.
And that's okay.
Until...
Reality shows up.
Reality Doesn't Care About Your Fantasy.
Reality is different.
Reality is rarely as perfect as fantasy.
Sometimes...
It's much less perfect.
And that's exactly why it's so painful to meet.
Not because reality is always terrible.
But because it isn't the life, the person, or the future you imagined.
The greater the distance between your fantasy and your reality...
The greater the grief.
That's where disappointment lives.
That's where sadness lives.
That's where heartbreak lives.
That's where mourning begins.
So What Do We Do?
We don't usually accept reality.
At least not at first.
We fight it.
We explain it away.
We bargain with it.
We tell ourselves:
"Maybe it'll change."
"Maybe I misunderstood."
"Maybe if I just wait..."
Psychology has a word for one of the ways we do this.
Denial.
Denial is our attempt to keep reality from destroying the fantasy.
We cling to old versions of people.
We replay memories.
We convince ourselves things are "almost" different.
We fill our minds with shoulds.
And honestly?
It works.
For a while.
The Problem Is...
Denial is temporary.
It's like putting a Band-Aid over something that actually needs surgery.
Sure...
The Band-Aid helps.
For a little while.
But eventually your body lets you know something deeper needs attention.
Reality works the same way.
The longer we avoid it...
The louder it becomes.
The more intense it becomes.
Eventually it becomes exhausting to keep defending ourselves from what is.
And I wonder if this is one of the reasons so many people eventually end up in therapy.
Not because reality suddenly became painful.
But because avoiding it became even more painful.
So What's the Answer?
I think the answer is surprisingly simple.
Not easy.
Simple.
We have to get better at mourning.
We have to become people who can fully accept reality...
Even when it hurts.
That means confronting difficult truths.
Naming them.
Crying.
Processing.
Journaling.
Grieving.
It also means becoming aware of our fantasies.
What story am I telling myself?
What expectations am I holding onto?
What "should" am I refusing to let go of?
Because awareness changes everything.
Become a Student of Reality.
Observe everything.
Pay close attention to people.
Learn their patterns.
Study them.
Study yourself in relation to them.
Reality is constantly giving us information.
The question is...
Are we willing to receive it?
Or are we too busy trying to make reality fit the fantasy?
The Irony
Here's the irony that keeps fascinating me.
The better you become at grieving...
The easier it becomes to stay grounded in reality.
And staying grounded in reality might be one of life's greatest psychological challenges.
I actually think it's one of life's greatest tasks.
Because reality can be brutal.
It can be sharp.
It can absolutely break your heart.
And yet...
It's the only place where true peace exists.
Not fantasy.
Not denial.
Not wishful thinking.
Reality.
Because peace doesn't come from making reality look more like fantasy.
Peace comes from finally allowing reality...
To be reality.
